as I type this sitting here I am not filling out my portfolio or finishing my website or warming up my voice or completing my resume or completing my application to a job I want to work or writing my music. I'm not doing anything I should be. I'm cold, my hands are cold. I am thinking about violent images of my eyes drooping out my skull, swinging them around, and then being smashed in the head as I stare at the monitor and type this. My heart is throbbing and my soul is being crushed. I'm unable to understand my inaction. It's so simple, yet I can't solve the puzzle of motivating myself to be on track. Be on track. Get on track. I am just like I was five minutes ago, walking around reading internet forums instead of doing what I want to. I'm not doing the very thing I *want* to. How could I betray my own interests like that? Just like sitting in a cafe with an instructor who knows better than me who knows more about life, who I am lucky to have a moment like that with, I can't swim in the moment, I can only choke and drown. I am constantly keeping my ehad above the water in times where I wish I wasn't, where I say I'm not, where I look like I'm not. I can't bring myself to stop it and start the right thing. Time is always flying by and I know how to get ahead of it, but I choose not to because it's more exciting when I'm not in control.