I put too much on my plate. I'm trying to plan ahead for the many things that I have responsibility for, but I'm certainly procrastinating. Well, it feels that way but it's also the first day I've had off of anything in about a month. Even then in about 20 minutes I need to leave to see a show that a colleague wrote because I want to support her. I feel I have to, we're also co-directors on a show. I'm nervous. I'm scared I'll fuck everything up. I'm worried the show and all my projects will go to shit and it will be my fault. BUT at the same time I feel as though everything is just going to happen the way it will happen .I can only do what I can do to make things work. that may involve me, that may mean I have to step back but regardless I'm stressed out as fuck. I have to plan a schedule, then adhere to a schedule, then work WITHIN the schedule that doesn't actually reflect how I best process. I hate timers. I love to work and make things happen but I hate watching the clock tick. I'm not happy, my chest feels hallow, my scars are hurting. I know that I'll feel good when the show opens but this sucks. it sucks fucking hell what am I going to do? I'm flying by the seat of my pants, just like everyone else. I just have to do my best. and I have to tell people how I feel. I can't bottle it up. I need help and I need to ask for it. it hurts. it sucks. it'll feel better later.