it's late at night, I'm sitting on the couch in the theatre. I lay down on the cool, plastic, shitty upholstery and I think about how my partner is gone. They've left with another group of people. I have been telling them how I feel, which is awful. I feel awful. Recently, not in this moment, point is they know that I've been having a rough time with my depression. It is causing me to feel incredibly irrational at the fact that they are going star gazing, one of my favorite things, and intentionally avoided inviting me. I'm now alone in this shitty place full of dreams that died... shut up and stop being dramatic. It hurts though, it hurts so bad, my head is throbbing and I'm about to cry. I've bottled everything up for too long and I need to let it out so I scream, I am screaming expletives into an empty room until my throat hurts. I can't remember how, but I am in my car later, driving away from the theatre. My car has a leak in the hose that carries the power steering fluid. I genuinely try to swerve off the road probably to kill myself or something completely stupid, reckless, and selfish like that and the power steering locks up, preventing me from crashing my car. I feel powerless, I feel useless, but I feel at least some clarity. I'm so stupid to try and do that but why do I feel this way and why is that my solution? I'm not going to do that again, just because i feel alone doesn't mean I need to rip myself out of everyone's lives. I'm going home. I'm sleeping. Even if it is alone.