there's a guy much older than me who is usually my mentor on projects or sometimes he is my professor at school. it feels as though every time I talk to him I know exactly what he's thinking about me. Which is impossible, I can't actually know what he's thinking and, in fact, I wish I knew what he was thinking because I bet he's got some insight. As I talk with him I feel nervous, like butterflies nervous, like I'm at a job interview. like everything I say will be levied against me in some grand judgment. really fucked up and I find it so odd that when I look in his eyes all I see is how stupid I am, how much I'm fucking up not just the sentence I'm failing to construct, but my entire life. My whole life is me not doing what I want to do, unable to take the action I want to take. But why? Why am I talking to him and not doing what I'm talking about? And when I realize that I'm objectifying him, that he's become a mirror and not a man, then I feel horrible and I lock back into our conversation and show him the respect and attention I think he deserves.