I don’t have an exact memory of this but I have a sense of it and I blocked it out for my entire life until I did EMDR therapy at 20 years old. I am 25 now. EMDR therapy is like a hypnosis that brings you back to memories, and it feels like you are in them. I have two memories from my grandparents house. In one, I was rocking on a wooden rocking horse. The other one, I was 4 years old, sitting up on a bed. The comforter was red with small flower details. The room smells stale. I am watching a Barbie Princess movie. I can see Barbie’s pink dress and the animation style. I remember my grandmother coming into the room. Her breath smelled so bad. I don’t remember what happened. But as I grew up, I wanted nothing to do with that Barbie princess movie. It felt perverted, incestual, dark, scary, demented, and sexual. I never acknowledged it though, I always thought that maybe there was a scene in the movie that made me feel that way. When I did EMDR therapy and recalled this memory, I couldn’t speak. My heart was in my throat and I couldn’t form words. I could only nod or shake my head in response to my therapist’s questions. One of the questions she asked was whether I felt that I was being stimulated down there. I felt like I was going to throw up. The answer was yes. My older brother and older female cousin were also molested by my grandmother. I was sexually aware at 4 years old, rubbing on things that made me feel good. I watched porn at 6. At 25, I see that children don’t really know about that unless they are introduced to it. So I lost some innocence that day.